35 thoughts everyone has when they go for their first full body massage

WHERE IS THAT HAND GOING

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Here at Sugarscape we spend at least nine hours a day hunched over a keyboard with our shoulders squished up, our backs curved like bananas and our necks straining to zoom into boybands' crotches as closely as possible. 

So if you hadn't already guessed, our posture is REAL BAD and things hurt all over the place.

Seeing as we're reeeal fancy (and probably in danger of growing up to have genuine hunchbacks), we decided to pop down to the newly renovated, super gorgeous Thai Square Spa in London for a full body massage, which is quite possibly one the most MAGICAL and MAJESTIC experiences of our lives.

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Let's be honest though - your first full body massage is always gonna be a bit awks, so here's 33 thoughts that you'll definitely have when you get yours.

Ooooh, drapey things. FANCY.
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1. My posture is bloody awful, I make Quasimodo look like a catwalk queen and it feels like I'm carrying actual boulders on my shoulders. Time to book a massage, y'all.

2. Hopefully they can sort out the constant hump back and rounded shoulders I'm rocking from living my entire life at a computer. Although that might only be fixable by magic.

3. A full body massage sounds like a great idea. So relaxing, so soothing, so luxury, I'm an independent successful woman and this is just what I do now.

4. Better have a shower first so I don't smell gross and ruin the masseuse's day. Right, to the salon. 

5. Is this going to make me feel like a boneless jellyfish afterwards? Am I going to gain several inches in height? WILL I REACH NIRVANA? Time will tell.

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6. Let's take a seat. Ooh, everything in here smells like something I'd buy my mum for Christmas from the posh soap sets in Sainsburys. In a really great way.

7. Is that whale music? I hear ya, Free Willy.

8. Wait. Should I have peed before this? I don't feel like I need to pee now, but what if I need to pee when I'm having the massage? What if I do an accidental relaxation wee? What if the masseuse massages near my bladder and I PROJECTILE PEE. Better have a wee.

9. Much better.

10. Ahh, so THIS is the lady who's going to massage me. She looks nice but she's SO SMALL and I am a fairly giant human. Surely she and her tiny hands won't be able to pummell me into soft, squishy submission and turn my muscles to candy floss.

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11. Time to go and get ready for my massage. Ooh, a nice fluffy bath robe and some flip flops. Very fancy.

12. Wait... Is this... A PAPER THONG. WHAT IS THIS UNGODLY CREATION. Please don't tell me I have to wear this. I do have to wear this? This might be a low point in my life. Even Channing Tatum couldn't make this look good.

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14. My bum cheeks and boob area is going to be on display to a stranger at some point in the very near future. Why did I think this was a good idea. Is she going to judge my food baby from lunch.

15. Actually, the customer before me was a wrinkly old bloke with a hairy back and long toenails so she's probably quite grateful to be massaging my youthful, radiant skin. She's definitely massaged a lot worse than my bod. It's all good.

Here we are being reeeal fancy in the glittery red changing rooms
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16. Oooh, a cup of fancy tea. This is posh.

17. And now she's washing my feet. Hmm, hope they don't stink. Sorry love.

18. Time for the MAIN EVENT. So how do I get onto the massage table while wearing nothing but a paper thong without looking like Shamu doing some kind of Seaworld whale belly flop extravaganza? This is the hardest challenge I've ever faced in my life.

19. Oh thank gahd she's holding a towel up to protect my dignity. Avert your innocent eyes, young woman. Nothin' to see here.

20. We made it into a horizontal position, and she's covered my bod with a giant towel to stop my arse sticking up in the air. This is already going better than expected.

Harry Styles thumbs up
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21. Time for a quick, very ungraceful naked shuffle up the table to stick my face in the hole. Always wanted to do this.

22. Although I do suddenly feel like I'm in Pretty Little Liars and A might have just swapped places with the masseuse without me realising. Too much PLL watching.

23. Oh her shoes are nice. And this floor tiling is lovely.

24. Ahh good, we're starting down at the legs with some nice hot oils. This is already seriously great and not too weird despite a strangers' hands rubbing all over my boddeehh. 

25. Um, so this kind of hurts but it's also the most magical thing my body has ever felt. Legs, thighs, shoulders. Ooooh shoulders, that's real good. OWWW BUT ALSO WOW.

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26. I feel like a slippery seal.

27. Must. Withstand. Pain. And. Not. Be. A. Whimp. 

28. *doesn't really have any other formed thoughts for a while because I've slipped into some kind of zen trance*.

29. THAT'S ALARMINGLY CLOSE TO MY BUM. Okay it's actually not that close. Back to trance mode. Hommmmmmmm.

30. I was so wrong about this tiny woman. She has the strength of ten thousand men and is turning me into bread dough. She's like the Paul Hollywood of the massage world, and I am the basic loaf.

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31. Right, time to momentarily awaken from my trance and flip over. Thank goodness the towel is being held up again to save me from looking like a rotating suckling pig covered in all of this shiny oil. Aaand back to my weird half sleep.

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32. Legs again. Arms again. Never had a boob massage before but I'm totally okay with it and I think both of my boobs are too. And a head massage. 

33. How much do you reckon I'd have to pay her to do this to me while I'm at work every day?

34. Wait, where's she going? Why are the lights going back up? Why has she stopped? Have I completed my full transformation into slippery seal girl? The full hour can't be up already. COME BACK.

35. You can't make me leave. Oh fine I'll go and have a shower but if I can't take the masseuse with me then I'm TAKING THE FLIP FLOPS HOME.

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Thai Square Spa in Embankment London have also just added a dreamy new salon to their establishment, where you can pop down to have your hair done by their team of lovely hairdressers next time you're in London. 

We also had an amaaazing full manicure done by one of their fab nail technicians, so make sure you check out all the treatments they've got to offer right HERE next time you wanna treat yourself.

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