Halsey opens up about suffering a miscarriage on tour

She went on stage just hours after it happened

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You might think you know exactly what goes on inside celebs' lives thanks to the media, but Halsey has proved that's not always the case after opening up about a miscarriage she suffered on tour last year.

In a candid new interview with Rolling Stone, the singer has revealed the heartbreaking events that she dealt with privately during the 2015 Badlands tour.

A year on and she's ready to talk about it and after sitting down with journalist Alex Morris, who last year wrote a story for the mag about her own miscarriage, she decided she wanted to share. 

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"I felt like I was suffocating reading that article," Halsey tells Alex. "Like someone put a shopping bag over my head. I didn't want to meet you at all. I was really terrified of you, because I knew as soon as I saw you, I was going to need to tell you that last year on tour I got pregnant."

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A photo posted by halsey (@iamhalsey) on

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She explains that she found out she was pregnant in a Chicago hotel room in the middle of tour and instantly began to panic about what it would mean for her life and career.

"What happens? Do I lose my record deal? Do I lose everything? Or do I keep [the pregnancy]? What are the fans going to think? What are the moms going to think? What is the Midwest going to think? What's f***ing everyone going to think?" she recalls thinking.

Just hours later, before even having a chance to decide what to do, she woke up to find herself covered in blood and suffering a miscarriage. What's worse is that she had an important gig scheduled in that night.

"I'm like, 'I have to cancel this show!' And everyone's kind of like, 'Well, it's Vevo LIFT, and it's 3 million impressions, so ...' No one knew what to do," she says.

Deciding to go on, she says she sent her assistant to the chemist to buy adult diapers, put two one and went to the show. 

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A photo posted by halsey (@iamhalsey) on

"It's the angriest performance that I've ever done in my life," she says. "That was the moment of my life where I thought to myself, 'I don't feel like a fucking human being anymore.'

"This thing, this music, Halsey, whatever it is that I'm doing, took precedence and priority over every decision that I made regarding this entire situation from the moment I found out until the moment it went wrong. I walked offstage and went into the parking lot and just started throwing up."

What happened weighs heavily on her heart and she goes on to explain she finds it hard not to blame herself for what happened.

"I beat myself up for it," she adds, "because I think that the reason it happened is just the lifestyle I was living. I wasn't drinking. I wasn't doing drugs. I was f***ing overworked – in the hospital every couple of weeks because I was dehydrated, needing bags of IVs brought to my greenroom. I was anemic, I was fainting. My body just broke the fuck down."

But it's the decision to go on stage that night that bothers her the most.

"I had a choice," she says, despite it sounding very much like she didn't. "I want to be a mom more than I want to be a pop star. More than I want to be anything in the world. I'm really scared of being alone." 

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