Cara Delevingne might be happier than ever with girlfriend St Vincent, but she's opened up about the hard times she's faced in a frank new interview with Esquire.
Talking frankly about depression, suicidal thoughts and her mum's addiction to heroin, the model explains her own experiences and how she feels looking back on them.
Cara's mum has battled addiction since Cara was a small child and she says that this was something that she thinks was at least in part a triggering cause of her own struggle with depression that began when she was a teenager.
"She was sick a lot, in hospital a lot, and there were times when she
would leave for quite a long time and I wouldn't know where she was," Cara tells Esquire. "I
didn't feel like I had any control of anything in my life so I just kind
of went on a food strike. I was like, 'I'm not going to eat until
someone tells me where she is.'
"I remember my sister, Poppy, saying
something like, 'Mum used to do heroin.' And I was like, 'What the f*** is that? Like heroes and heroines?' I was a tiny child. Like, 'I have no
idea what you're talking about.'"
When she turned 16, Cara says she had a breakdown prompted by the pressure she put on herself, repressing her emotions and constantly trying to please her parents.
"I was suicidal. I couldn't deal with it any more," she recalls. "I realised how lucky
and privileged I was, but all I wanted to do was die.
"I felt so guilty
because of that and hated myself because of that, and then it's a cycle.
I didn't want to exist anymore. I wanted for each molecule of my body
to disintegrate. I wanted to die. I would run off to the woods and smoke
a pack of cigarettes and then I would smash my head so hard into a tree
because I just wanted to knock myself out."
At 16 she went on medication and while she credits them with helping her, she didn't like the effect they had on her and came of them at the age of 18.
"I didn't feel shit. It was horrible. I was like a sociopath," she said.
"I hate meds. I think they saved my life and they've probably saved my
mother's life but I don't agree with them. It's so easy to abuse them."
If you are experiencing similar feelings or thoughts, there are loads of people out there who can be there to help or just to listen. Try calling the Samaritans on 116 123 (UK) or visit their website.