Edward Von Sheeran is a pretty intense guy. His songs are all serious and meaningful, and he has eyes more sombre than Bambi in the forest.
Let's lighten him up with some questions about a general load o' crap.
Right Eddie, picture the scene; you're in the street, there's an old lady walking into the path of a MASSIVE LORRY, and a baby about to pick up a big sharp razor blade. Who do you save?
Baby, and I think the old lady would agree with me too.
When she's DEAD?
When she's comatose and then she wakes up, and I say to her 'Who would you have saved?' she'll go for the baby as well. Definitely. The old lady's lived her life anyway.
Alright then. Where's the weirdest place you've woken up recently?
Woken up.. .umm… to be honest, like, recently it's only been tour buses and hotels, but the weirest place I have woken up is Waterloo train station bench, inside. Around three years ago I missed my train, and basically I was staying at a friend's house in Finsbury Park, and I don't really know nightbuses that well, so I thought I might as well just wait five hours until the tube starts again.
Five hours. Five hours Ed?
What's the worst crap you've ever read about yourself?
Ohhh there's lots of stuff. I read the other day that The A-Team was a cheeseball teeny bopper song, which could be said about any of my songs…
- and would be a lie!?
Well yeah, but to choose a song that's about a subject matter and isn't the easiest song to get on radio – well, yeah.
We loved that you played the song about drugs and hookers at the Jubilee by the way *nudges him*
*Nods sincerely* Thank you
Ok, what rumour would you like to spread about yourself? Best lover, well hung?
I've always said that I wanna be known as the nicest and hardest working guy in the industry, so if I could be known as that that would be brilliant.
Er, that's not very scandalous.
It isn't very scandalous, but I'm gonna eventually settle down and get married, so being the world's best lover is gonna be saved for one person, so that's not necessarily the most important thing for me. I'd like to have a good reputation in the industry.
Alright then Mr Serious. Have you ever been caught in or caught somebody else in an intimate moment?
Yeah I've been caught in an intimate moment before…
Did you just carry on?
Er, no. No. I had to stop… yeeaaah…
Did you invite them to join in?
No! No, it was bad. It was really bad. I don't wanna say any more!
Fine then. Tell us about Marmite.
I really like it, I know people don't but I really do. Not marmite crisps though, no. You should choose what you put your marmite on very carefully. Bread, toast, that's about it.
Would you go as far as to let someone else spread it for you?
Of course! I'm a thin layer guy, bit of butter. Nice.
Rightyho, finally then; would you rather lick a tramp in the nostril or the armpit?
[Seriously contemplates this question for a good 8 seconds...] I think a tramp's nostril.
The nostril is constantly in the air, so whatever might have been there could have been blown away, but the armpit is just…well it's just sandwiched together isn't it so the sweat is just gonna congeal, and it's not gonna be good.
Wise. You're very wise.