INVESTIGATION: One Direction Horoscopes

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Anyone with half a brain knows that the only way to find out how someone really works, what they actually think, feel and dream is to see what star sign they are. Horoscopes govern everything, right? RIGHT.

So because it is our professional and moral duty to bring you everything you need to know ever about One Direction, we’ve extensively researched (Googled) what each of the boys must be like because of the planets they were born under.

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We have two Virgos, two Capricorns and one Aquarius in the band, which means they should pretty much be the same person, really.

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Liam Payne is a Virgo. An earth sign represented by a virgin. Ahem.

LIAM PAYNE

Key Virgo strengths include:

Reliable: Being the father of three strapping boys and Louis Tomlinson means that Liam has to be a figure that people can rely on. He comes equipped with everything from wet wipes to plasters and now even had an extra kidney.

Logical: "errrm. Lol I dont want to be a toilet can't I be a superhero"

Attentive: Well, he seems to be very attentive to his Paynis a lot of the time.

Key Virgo weaknesses include:

Fussy: “In restaurants, when I don't know where the spoons have been, I can't use them. But I can use all the other cutlery."

Interfering: Could the attentiveness to his Paynis become just downright interfering?

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Zayn Malik is a Capricorn, an earth sign represented by a goat.

ZAYN MALIK

Capricorn strengths include:

Ambitious: "Balance and stability is the key to success.”

Loyal: "Little mix were sick on red or black tonight ! The singles wiked man (not that I'm biased at all) Aha ! :) x"

Fearless: Well we guess he got in the sea for the WMYB video, despite the fact he can’t swim. That’s kind of fearless.

Capricorn weaknesses include:

Inhibited: Refusing to dance at X Factor Bootcamp (hehehe).

Conceited: Oh hello Pouty McPouteson.

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Like Liam, Niall Horan is also Virgo, the virgin.

Virgo strengths include:

Creative: Nialler can often be very creative, especially with language and variations of swear words.

Helpful: Once when we were with him he gave a homeless man LOADS of money. Now that’s dead helpful.

Analytical: His analysis of the all sporting events is very insightful. Cheers Nialler.

Virgo weaknesses include:

Selective: We know that Niall loves Nando’s, but will he go for chicken anywhere else? Is he discriminating other chicken outlets?

Interfering: Remember that day he exposed himself to Marvin Humes on a golf course? Yeah that was interfering.

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Harry Styles is an Aquarius, which is an air sign represented by a water bearer. We’re not really sure what one of those is.

Aquarius strengths include:

Witty: Now you have to admit, that weird muscle suit was hilarious. OH COME ON.

Inventive: “Well @jameelajamil I suggest @sheeweeLtd’s absorbent range of pouches.”

Original: Well we’d never heard boobs be called mammaries until Hazza came along.

Aquarius weaknesses include:

Rebellious: Constantly getting your willy out and having a tonne of tattoos is pretty rebellious. Or just the work of a deviant.

Sarcastic: Arreh sarcastic? We have no idea what you’re talking about.

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Like Zayn, Louis Tomlinson is also a goat… Capricorn… goat.

LOUIS TOMLINSON

Louis’ Capricorn super powers include:

Ambitious: "@RebeccaFerguson Success is impossible without hard work.”

Fun-loving: He’s the frickin’ Sasquatch y’all.

Resourceful: He knows exactly how to keep his willy happy – sleeping naked: “It’s been in your boxers all day, restricted, it needs time to breathe.”

Capricorn weaknesses include:

Dictatorial: Oh we’ve all seen The Sassy One get scary.

Stubborn: Just let him get his own way and everyone’s happy, yeah?

So that was insightful. We feel like proper astrologers now, like Russell Grant or summat.

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