Being a Made In Chelsea regular and diamond mining business extraordinaire, we'd imagined that Francis Boulle would probably have some pretty intelligent tips to give us in exchange for the packet of Iced Gems lurking about in our pocket.
But apparently not even Boulley can resist the power of the Stupid Interview and naturally we ended up discussing the size of Harry Styles' willy. Only because Francis has it on good authority that it's a big 'un.
To start off with give us your best insult. Go crazy - we'll try not to cry.
I don't really insult people, I don't like insulting people. If I was disagreeing with someone I would say, "I could agree with you but then we'd both be wrong," in a very serious way..
How very refined of you. But if you had to eat another celebrity who would it be?
A celeb I hate or I like? Like Kate Middleton? Ok I'd probably… Oh no I cant.
You're taking this very seriously. You know you don't actually have to eat someone right?
I'm just considering who I'd like to eat! It just reminds me of that Austrian guy. I don't actually want to eat anyone.
But if it was like you were going to die and you had to survive?
Ok probably Jimmy Carr.
Any particular reason?
No. I just would eat him. Definitely. I'm going to eat him up [casually pretends to eat Jimmy Carr].
If you had to spread a rumour about yourself what would it be?
That I can read a newspaper upside down. I probably actually can, I have no idea why I said that.
Where's the weirdest place you've ever woken up?
Underneath a piano at my friends house in the country after a party. I woke up and I thought I was in a coffin...under a grand piano.
I don't know why I slept under it but I must've thought that's more secure than sleeping on top of the piano.
Earthquake safety and all that. So would you rather lick a tramp on the armpit or the nostril?
A tramp? That's not very nice. Are they complicit in me licking them?
Yes. We are not encouraging you to force your tongue on any unsuspecting individual.
They want me to? Like if they said give me a pound or lick me on the armpit? Ugh, nostril!
Have you ever been caught in an intimate moment?
I've had quite a few friends walking in, but that's because purely because I have quite a lot of friends! No, I'm joking...I had my girlfriend's parents walk in on us. Both of them, not just one of them.
They just burst in?
No they came in to talk to her and I was busy like that [does mid-shag hiding under the duvet impression].
Tell us everything.
Well I was round at my girlfriends's house and we got back quite late and erm…well, they were very embarrassed. I was probably more embarrassed, I didn't really like the idea of them knowing too much..
Who do you think would be better in bed, Rihanna or Nicki Minaj?
Rihanna, she's from Barbados. Definitely her...Dutty wining, breaking it down.
So you're walking down the road and you see an old lady and she's about to walk into the path of a massive lorry. At the same time you spot a baby sitting at the side of the road playing with a massive knife. You can only save one. Who is it going to be?
This is weirdly similar to a very scary incident that happened to me where I saved a toddler from being hit by a bus, so I guess maybe this is your answer. Well, there was no other old lady about, but I was walking along in Chelsea and there was a toddler who just ran out and I suddenly saw a bus careering towards the toddler and I sprinted across the road and picked up the toddler and put it on the pavement. The mother was loading stuff into her boot and she didn't even notice. I was like stuttering and was like, you know, "It was running in the street" and she just looked at me weirdly and put it in the car and then drove off. She didn't even thank me, and I'd just saved her baby's life.
The baby had dropped a little toy plane and I was like, "This is his way of thanking me. I'm going to keep this and it will be his token to me, and one day when he's old enough to thank me, I will give it back to him and he will thank me in person".
But do you know what's even weirder, when I was two I was almost hit by a bus. I ran out in the street and a bus stopped 1ft in front of me. I remember it vividly. There was woman screaming on the side of the road and the bus driver looking at me. How weird is that? So I nearly died and then I saved someone's life. What does that mean? I'm meant to be alive to save peoples lives?
Blimey, that's a lot more intense than we were expecting. So you'd sacrifice the old lady then?
Well, it isn't sacrificing you know, she would have died if I was there or not. But if I wasn't there and the baby wasn't there then nothing's changed. But I was there, and I chose to save the baby. Nothing is definite in the universe…
How philosophical. Speaking of which, what would you do if Harry Styles was cracking onto your little sister?
Umm, I know Harry pretty well and I don't think he'd do that.
Well what if he did? He does seem to like the ladies.
He lik-ey the ladies. I probably wouldn't mind, although I do know some things about the size of his penis, which I probably wouldn't be happy about.
Erm, is this the kind of things you and Harry discuss? How do you know this? HAVE YOU SEEN IT?
From a very credible source.
Oh. From Caggie then?
So did they actually get it on?
No comment [smiles].
Does that mean yes?
It doesn't mean yes or no, it means I'm not commenting.
But you heard it from a credible source?
Yes. Not from Caggie though. I heard it from another credible source, a different one, and apparently he has a big penis.
So good reviews all round then?
Yes. So yes..in terms of my sister I would not be happy. I'd have to sit him down and be like, 'You need to sort this out'.
Wow. Thanks Francis, that was more than we needed to know, but we loved every minute.