Today we are quiffing our hair, power pouting and scribbling dodgy tattoos on our arms in honour of One Direction FITTY Zayn Malik’s 20th birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZAYNO, YOU SMOUDLERING SACK OF SEXINESS.

To celebrate Zayn’s big twooo ooohhh, we’ve put together 20 facts that you definitely don’t know about sexy brunette.

“SHUT UP SUGARSCAPE, YOU IDIOTS. WE KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW EVER ABOUT ZAYN JAWAAD MALIK,” we hear you cry. Well Scapers, you definitely don’t know all of this...

Zayn Malik

1) “Zayn Malik” is not actually his real name. He was born Bradford Bad Boi™ on January 12th 1993; but legally changed it when he was 12 as he can’t bear alliteration.

2) In 2009 Zayn set the record for highest ever sugar cube tower. “This is the biggest thing I’ll ever do with my life,” said an emotional Zayn. “I just wish it hadn’t made me diabetic.”

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3) Last summer Zayn was possessed by an evil spirit. An exorcist was called to rid him of the demon, but the only way it could be released from his body was if it could reside inside his doll. Now there’s a horror film in the waiting.

4) This is Zayn before he shaves in the morning.

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5) He can recite 1987 box office hit Mannequin backwards, forwards, and in seven different languages. However, if you asked him to use any of the languages in conversation he would be utterly useless.

6) Zayn and Perrie Edwards have a near perfect relationship. The only thing that comes between them is the fact that Zayn is secretly a merman and has to sleep in the bath at night “for moisture”.

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7) His favourite thing about Harry Styles is the fact that he irons his socks in the same way his mum does.

8) When he sleeps he dreams he is a butcher named Steve.

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9) He once got in a fight with Niall Horan as he was certain Nialler had stolen his toothbrush. The Irish one had in fact taken it, but only because Zayn hadn’t changed it in 10 months (dentists recommend every three).

10) An avid conspiracy theorist, el Maliko is obsessed with the idea that the moon is just a massive camera controlled by former American President, Bill Clinton to spy on us. He also refuses to believe that Clinton isn’t still in The White House.

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11) His favourite programme is Yo Gabba Gabba, “I just love Foofa, she’s just so pink and happy, I wish everyone was like that.” So do we Zayn.

12) Zayn is very unusual because his Spirit Animal is actually human and comes in the form of EastEnders character, Ian Beale.

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13) He is the one who told Liam Payne to constantly touch his Paynis, he thought it would put Liam off his solos so he could get more.

14) The last time Zayn cried was when he saw someone’s locker key break in the gym.

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15) His motto in life is, “I like drawing and pouting”, which isn’t really a motto, but no one has the heart to tell him.

16) If your name begins with ‘J’, Zayn will believe you’re in cohorts with the Devil. No one has been able to get to the root of the reason or convince him otherwise thus far.

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17) The last book he read was Taxation in Modern China. “It’s just a collection of essays, really,” he told us. “But reforming government finances, especially the tax system, is an essential component of the reform programme in China, and the essays give a really broad view on it.”

18) Zayn’s favourite thing about himself is his left ear, as it “doesn’t get as waxy as the right one.”

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19) If you have prawns in your sandwiches, Zayn WILL judge you. He just can’t help it.

20) Zayn Malik writes for Sugarscape under the pseudonym ‘Lauren Franklin’. He’s a bit rubbish actually.

So there you have it, 20 Zayn Malik facts you’ve never heard before. Tell your friends.

IMAGES: WENN, PA AND TWITTER