One Direction problems that only Liam Payne can solve

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One Direction are lucky, lucky buggers. Not only because they’ve got awesome hair and people seem to think they’re quite alright; but also because they’re blessed with the presence of Mr Liam Payne - the most sensible and reasonable man in Sexy Town, to aid them through their difficulties.

Imagine having a father constantly there to iron out all your problems with his fatherly advice and encouraging smile. Oh Paynis.

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Sometimes though we worry that the boys may not realise what a genius goldmine of dad advice they are sitting on and miss the chance to extract the best possible advice from the Paynis. Because of this we’ve taken the time to collect some of 1D’s problems and solve them with advice inspired by Lazza Pazza. It’s like we’re letting his sensible spirit enter us. Ahem.


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Dear Liam,

I’m now de only lad in de band who aint got meself a tattoo yet. I’m always up for the craic an’ all that, but I’m just not into permanently tattooing me body for loife. The other lads are making me feel pressured into getting one, and I’m worried I’m going to feel left out, like. What do you think I should do?



Dear Niall,

Thanks for taking the time to write to me. Peer pressure is something that lots of young people deal with when growing up. Crikey, I remember when I was a young’un, I felt that I should have a Justin Bieber mushroom haircut, instead of this low maintenance, easy to run the kids about buzz cut. My advice to you is to embrace your individuality. You know you’re much more unique by not having a tattoo these days! MEGALOLZZZZZ.


Daddy Direction.





Alright Liam,

Right mate, I don’t know what to do; I’m in proper turmoil right now and can’t decide what to do with my hair. Sometimes it’s in a quiff, others it’s got a massive badger stripe going through it, and recently I’ve had a choppy fringe. I really just want to go with one style and rock it, it’s not Bradford Bad Boi to be constantly changing me hair, but I can never find the right look to suit me.

Help mate, help.



Dear Bad Boi,

You know I have always admired how bad-ass it is to constantly change your hair. As you know, I’ve been playing around with mine recently and you’ve been my hair bravery inspiration. But you say you’re not happy, and that’s what we’re going to deal with. For now, I’m going to give you practical advice, that others may not appreciate, but it’s the most sensible option: shave your head.

I know it sounds extreme, but you’ll feel liberated and we can all be certain that the badger will be lying dormant for at least a few months. During the hair growing back process is when you’ll realise what you truly want to do.

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Besides, you’re a young man, you don’t want to be worrying about your hair, you want to be kicking a ball about and getting up to mischief.

Good luck and get shaving.




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Hey Babe,

Ugh I keep getting myself into a right pickle all the time because I can’t stop sassing over every situation I find myself in. I just see things that clearly need some Tomlinator sass to sort them out, spice them up, or maybe just need a death stare, and can’t hold The Sasquatch inside me back. I never used to fear trouble, but now I’m worried I’m going to end up landing myself in a massive pile of shiz.

Help teach me how to keep my gob shut and approach situations more sensibly.

The Sassy One.


Hi Sassy Bombassy,

Thanks for humbling yourself to ask for help, this is already a massive step and you should pat yourself on the back for coming this far. Yes you are very sassy and that is why we love you. God lord, I’d never have the guts to strut into a row with The Wanted, deliver a killer pout, or wear trousers so tight my Paynis wouldn’t be able to breathe, but you can do all of this because you are sassy.

Now, when you feel your sassiness is getting out of control, take a moment, breathe, and think “what would Daddy Direction say about this?” If you think I’d simply laugh and say “Oh Sasquatch”, then by all means let the beast out. If though, you can envision a “Louis, can we have a word please?” situation in which I pull you to one side and tell you how disappointed I am, then don’t go there.

You have been warned.

Your Father.



Oh hi Leeeyum.

Riiight. Seeee. Heerre’s the thing. I was going out with this girl, we’ll call her Saylor Twift, and it just went proper tits up reaaallleh quickleh. Now I’m not sure what to do? Should I cut my losses and move on, find a 32 year old who understands me better? Or should I try and make things work with her. She was brave enough to hold massive seagulls, you’ve gotta admire that.



Hello Stud, You know the answer to this: Return to the cougar. Next time I do the school run I’ll see if there are some mums who would be up for riding in your Range Rover.

The Daddy of Everything.

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