When One Direction’s Harry Styles was nominated for Villain of the Year in the NME Awards we all thought it was a little strange. Firstly because he’s actually an awesome guy, who’s always been very charismatic, polite and friendly when we’ve met him; and secondly because he was up against the likes of Azealia Banks who’s recently shown herself to be a massive homophobe, and David Cameron who... don’t even get us started.
Then we remembered that the voters are oddly scared of boys that sing in pop bands like it’s something that genuinely affects their lives, and THEN we remembered Harry Styles is actually a villain.
“WHAT?” we hear you yell. “How could Lord Hazza of the Stazza be a real life villain? Shut up and die Sugarscape, no one likes you anyway.”
Well Scapers, CLICK NEXT for four horribly villainous acts Harry Styles has committed on the other members of 1D, you actually won't believe them.
1) He shaved Liam Payne’s head.
Yes that’s right Scapers, Paynis will have you believe that it was his decision to get rid of his lovely hair, but oh no. Ooohhhh no. The painful truth behind the hair loss was that in a fit of jealousy Harry spiked Liam’s nightly cup of cocoa with sleeping pills and shaved his head while he was in deepest slumber.
The next morning Liam awoke to a cold head and Harry sitting in front of him with clippers and a handful of hair. “I’ve been waiting for you to wake up,” said Hazza, locking eyes, cold and piercing, with Liam.
“Harry mate, what are you doing here? Why... what’s happened to my head?!” cried Liam shaking himself out of his drugged up blur.
“I’ve noticed that you’ve been toying with the curls recently, Liam, and I don’t like it,” said Hazza, letting Liam’s hair fall to the floor.
“I won’t have it. I’m the curly one. I’m the one with the hair, IT’S MY GODDAMN THING.” Looking down at his hands, he took a moment to breathe. “Look, mate, your thing can be a shaved head. It’s edgy, it’s cool, it’ll have people talking. Besides, it’s really easy to maintain for when you’re doing the school run. Come on buddy, you know it makes sense.”
With that Harry walked out, leaving a pile of brunette locks on the floor and Liam crying.
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2) He captured The Sasquatch, made him live in captivity and become Louis Tomlinson from One Direction.
You all know the story of The Sasquatch – a sassy beast who was once roaming free in the wild, but had a dream to sing in a boyband. He was discovered by Simon Cowell who gave him an incredible transformation to create Louis Tomlinson.
Unfortunately Scapers that is just a fairytale and couldn’t be further from the actual truth.
What really happened was that Harry is a hunter. He saw The Sasquatch playing in the wild, happy, carefree and singing beautifully to Destiny’s Child.
“I want him”, whispered Hazza as he followed Sassy with his binoculars. “I need him for a boyband. All he needs is shaving, fake tan, a Frankie Sandford haircut and he will be the perfect sassy addition to the world of pop.”
Harry reached for his phone and called a number on speed dial. “Get me a net and a sedative dart gun. I think I’ve found just what we’re looking for... Simon.”
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3) He taught Niall Horan to say “Shower of C*nts.”
Before Nialler met Harry he was a happy go lucky boy from Mullingar. Oh sure, he’d drop the occasional damn, gosh, or even a flippin’ heck – after all, he was Da Pimp, but to him these were the four letter words that you really weren’t meant to say. Then he met Harry.
Recognising that Niall’s was an innocent, pure and trusting soul, Hazza realised that he could pretty much get him to believe or do whatever he liked.
“Hey Niall,” said Harry as he watched his bandmate tuck into his fifth Nando’s of the day. “I’m worried you’re not connecting with the fans as well as what you could be. I’m concerned they’re not feeling loved, appreciated and liked by you.”
“Ehuh”, responded Nialler as he started licking the inside of his Perinaise pot.
“I just think that there’s something you can do to make them feel more special, something that you’re Irish charm will really carry off.”
“Hummunun,” Nialler sounded, downing his twentieth coke refill.
“How about, next time you see them, like when they’re greeting you somewhere, or if you’re out and about... How about you called them a ‘shower of c*nts’?”
“Never heard of the last word mate, but it sounds friendly enough. Cheers.”
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4) He poisoned Zayn Malik in Japan.
As soon as Zayn stepped off the plane the response was deafening. Japan loved him and his dark, mysterious features, his pout and his funny Bradford Bad Boi accent.
As Hazza watched Zayn disappear into the crowds of screaming fans, he muttered to the goblin under The Orange Beanie, “Oh no, I’m not having this. What can I do to stop it, Beanie Goblin, please help.”
“Aaaggg massssterrrr. Yooouuu beee tinkin’ dat yoouuu neeeed ta daaamage da Malikooo.”
“No, I don’t want to damage him, Beanie Goblin, that’s absurd. I just want to get him off the scene for a bit. You know, make sure I am the centre of attention an’ all that.”
“Yooouuu neeeed ta poiiison ‘immmm.”
“What? No! That’s ludicrous; I can’t poison him... can I?”
“Aaaaggg, it don’t ‘ave ta kiiilll da boi, juhst maaake ‘im ah liiittle iiiilll foorrrr ah whiilllee. Keeep ‘im in da tooiilet.”
“OK, I hear ya. So maybe slipping something in his wasabi to give him a dickie belly, that would do the trick, right?”
“Juhst dooo whaaaat ya neeeed ta dooo, masterrr.”
The next day Zayn Malik ran out of a press conference to be sick.
So there you have it, Harry Styles is a villain after all. We feel so stupid.