This week One Direction launched their fourth company, 1D Live LLP. We’d really like to explain to you what it means, but are hoping that we can just get away with saying “something to do with cooperation tax. Ahem...”
Anyway with this in mind, we thought that pretty soon the boys will become fully fledged business tycoons with posh names like Harold, Louis William Snr, Nelson, Lionel and Zander, each with companies of their own.
Now, exclusively on Sugarscape, we are able to give you a glimpse into the future and show you profiles of the boys when they are running their own companies. This really is groundbreaking journalism.
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Niall Horan, The Chicken Connoisseur.
After years of larking about in the pop world, Nialler decided enough was enough and it was now time to follow his one true passion, chicken. Aware that Nando’s had monopolised the chicken market and never wanting to risk competing against and destroying the hand that had fed him for so long, Niall decided to be a chicken connoisseur.
His company Chiall’s Chickens (not the most catchy or intelligent of names, but Nialler never really did understand alliteration) believe that they can provide the perfect chicken for any situation or function.
“Let me explain, yeah,” says Niall. “Chicken is at the heart of every event. Say you’ve got a low key family birthday party – I’d recommend the simple chicken drumstick. If you were going to make it a bit upscale, invite friends you want to impress, maybe get ‘em to dress fancy, then I’d upgrade it to a chicken skewer with a Thai sweet chilli dip. Maybe have a peanut dip on the side. I can basically read every social situation there is and provide the perfect chicken for it.”
And that’s not all; Mr Horan is now branching out to provide chicken to suit the mood of someone.
“If you’re feeling low, a bit sad and vulnerable I’d sort you out with a chicken kebab. Greasy, messy and perfect for emotional eaters. Of course if you’re at the stage when you’re ready to be cheered up and reminded why life is beautiful, then I’ll send you straight to Nando’s.”
And what about you Niall, what is your favourite kind of chook?
“Unfortunately, I had a nasty bout of E. coli a few years ago, it’s put me off chicken and all other meats and I’ve been vegan ever since.”
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Liam Payne owns and runs Dadz Wheelz.
“I’ve put the Zs in to give it a funky edge that the kids will enjoy,” laughs Liam.
“Of course, I call it Dadz Wheelz, but mums are more than welcome too. There’s no sexism or any other sort of discrimination in my business.”
OK thanks Liam, but what the hell does your company actually do?
“I’m glad you asked. Basically, there are a lot kidz out there whose dadz work a lot and they never get to pick them up from school. What we do is have a meeting with the busy dad, learn how to impersonate him completely, you know, copy his clothes, his walk, get an exact mask made of his face and have special voice alteration surgery, to be exactly like him. Then we pick the kidz up from school and just hang out with them until dad comes home.”
NB: Dadz Wheelz was forced to close down a year later after local councils said it was “just a bit risky and creepy, actually.”
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Zayn Malik is the founder of Bad Boi Clothing Inc.
Whether it’s jeans, trainers, hoodies, transferable tattoos or temporary badger stripes for hair, Bad Boi Clothing Inc has it.
“The label is actually just an extension of me. My body and my spirit,” Zayn told us. “Not many people know this, but my clothes are actually worn by a lot of gangstas. In fact, you could quite easily say I was the Victoria Beckham of the gangsta world.
“My best selling items are the tattoos. They’re exactly the same as the tattoos I have and they’re really popular with people who want to look exactly like me. And that’s a lot of people.”
Not content with being the gangsta clothing market leader, Zayn is going to branch out and try a never before used face decoration method.
“People are always commenting on my pout, they seem to like it. So what I’m doing is making my pout into something that people can attach to their own mouths and look just like me. It comes with the frowning eyebrows to help deepen the intensity of the look. I’m really excited by it.”
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Louis Tomlinson is now a big mover and shaker in the crane industry.
“I love cranes,” said Louis, taking of his hard hat and sitting down with a mug of Yorkshire tea.
“I loved being in One Direction, but I must admit, I found it really difficult sometimes as nothing I did related to cranes, diggers or the building industry as a whole.
“It’s hard to define what exactly I do know, but let’s call me a Crane Specialist. I travel around a lot and look at cranes that aren’t functioning to their full potential, see if the problem is something that can be fixed or if it’s time to bring in a newer model. The beauty with cranes is that a lot of them are built for longevity, so often I’ll just need to find a new part for them.”
As we began to drop off to sleep, Louis amazed us with this nugget of information.
“Sometimes though, a crane will need replacing, then it’s my job to work out with one will suit the company or site the most. The one I’m getting really excited about at the moment is the Badger CD4415. It’s a 15t rough terrain crane is designed to tackle big jobs in small spaces and is really the future of the industry...”
After that we fell asleep.
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Harry Styles now runs successful dating site, Cougar Style.
“They say do what you love and the money will come and that’s exactly how I feel about my website,” said Hazza, perched on the knee of a 67-year-old stunner.
“I may run the website from my bedroom, but don’t be fooled, this is raking in the business and we’ve just gone global.
“While there are many dating sites out there for young men who wanna get with cougars and vice versa, mine is very different, as we specifically cater for ladies who’d like to date a guy – at least 20 years younger than them, who looks like me.
“Now obviously there aren’t many boys who are identical to me, so we go for features that may be similar. For example, some women admire my prominent nostrils, others my mop of curls or maybe my slow voice. As long as the guy has at least one 'Stylism' then they’re good for the agency.
“So far we’ve had three marriages, two babies and just one date resulting in a restraining order.”