Yesterday Harry Styles reached a year closer to 32 by turning 19. HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR YESTERDAY ARREH, BET YOU'RE WELL HUNGOVER TODAY.
Anyway, seeing as One Direction's curly one is now 19 we have legal permission to reveal facts about him that no one in the world knows. BIG. DEAL. So are you ready to know the Hazzah better? Ready as you'll ever be poppets.
1) Harry was born Harriet Edward Styles on February 1st 1994. His mum, Foxy Coxy didn't realise at the time that Harriet was a girl's name and still insists that it's one for the boys even to this day. No Coxy.
2) The main argument Harry has with One Direction is that he wants to push the band in a more death metal direction. "I'm realleh into the sound," says Hazza. "I think it's something the Directioners will love, but Niall refuses to wear the makeup, even the fake blood." Selfish.
3) Harry's four nipples (the Quattuor Papillis) are currently at the centre of a large conspiracy theory, with certain members of the Republican party believing they were behind Barack Obama's most recent successful campaign. "I swear I saw them whispering to him," an angry Mitt Romney blogged.
4) Rumour has it that Hazza is well hung, in fact his penis is meant to be so large that Ed Sheeran said he was "packing heat". But the truth is that Hazza's willy is average at best. Once however, he was caught stealing a large German sausage from the butchers. When questioned by police he told them it was his penis, he's so paranoid about being found put that he's constantly kept a large sausage down his pants. It smells quite nasty.
5) Many people think that Hazza speaks slowly, he doesn't, it's just the sound has to pass through his nostrils before it can get to your ears.
6) His Spirit Animal is Heidi Montag. "Everything she says, does and stands for I can relate to," explains Hazza. "I met her once, but fainted before I got to speak to her. Her security then took me away before I regained consciousness. I guess some things just aren't meant to be."
7) Harry invented the emoji that's the monkey covering its ears. "It's too cute for words, I'm literally dead when I see it!"
8) Many think this is Harry sleeping, but oh it's more than just that. Remember that really hard to understand film Inception? It's based on the life and experiences of Harry Styles.
9) Harry Styles on dogs: "I just don't understand them. Four legs? A tail? Floppy ears? And what the hell is that bark thing they do? Nah don't get it, man."
10) Harry Styles first tried to meet Taylor Swift when he attended a meet and greet for her fans. "I queued up all day and had the number 13 written in red glitter on my face, I really worked myself up into an excitement, I'm such a massive fan. By the time I got to the front of the line I'd been waiting for so long that I wet myself. Her security took me away to give me a pair of trousers to wear from Lost and Found and by the time I got back they'd packed up and left. Sadface."
11) Harry is drawn towards the number 32 as he believes it has magical qualities. Well, more specifically, "I love the number two, and 32 is like three of those and what gets better that that?" We see his logic.
12) Harry was once bitten on the nose by a lemur.
13) His favourite member of The Wanted is Jay McGuiness. "He's got curly hair like me."
14) Harry is fluent in Primitive Quendian, the language spoken by the elves in Cuiviénen, which is a place in Lord of the Rings for those of you saying "huh?"
15) In his down time Harry likes to take apart lawnmowers as he's fascinated by their inner workings and how nice freshly cut grass smells.
16) Harry once poked Liam Payne in the eye with a spoon, this is the basis of Paynis's fear.
17) If he could change his name to anything it would be Cassandra. "I just love all the 'aahh' bit in the middle."
18) Harry is not actually 19, he is in fact 67 but just has exceptionally brilliant skin.
19) While Harry claims to have been a baker before One Direction, he was actually Aladdin's stand-in at the Holmes Chapel panto six years running.
Well, few shockers in there.