One Direction’s Take Me Home world tour is so close we can almost smell the Nando’s in Niall Horan’s rider. Last year’s shows gave us lots of lovely little treats such as Harry Styles’ shirt getting ripped open, Big Brown Poo, Louis Tomlinson using a fan’s mobile onstage and erm, DJ Malik. Ahem.

But what can we expect from 2013’s? What surprises could the laaads have up their sleeves? Oh we don’t know, we’re not frickin’ psychics, but we can tell you what we’d like to see them do and hopefully they’ll pay attention. Nialler sweet’art, we know you’re reading.

oNE dIRECTION

THING 1: More dance routines, init.

Oh yes, we know that the boys aren’t about the dancing and they’re all a bit rubbish at it, but we can’t help what we want. Now we’re not asking them to get all JLS on us, but we would like them to experiment with some contemporary ballet, maybe a bit of tap too.

If they don’t fancy getting their “good toes, naughty toes” out, then we’d suggest doing something with fire. We’re not sure what exactly, but it would definitely involve Louis Tomlinson jumping through a hoop.

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THING 2: Niall Horan sits on a stool, alone in the centre of the stage and sings a song he wrote admitting he’s a vegetarian.

Niall Horan

“For a long time the meat was good craic,

But for some reason it started to make me belly ache.

 

I went to the doctor an’ what he told me gave me stress,

He said all the Nando’s is giving you IBS.

 

So now I’m meat free until whenever,

Taking it so seriously I don’t even wear leather.

 

I’m all about beans, pulses, lentils,

Oh yeah I’m proper mental.”

 

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THING 3: Liam Payne goes crazy onstage and beats Louis up.

After being pushed to the edge on the tour bus by The Sasquatch, Liam finally loses it with him. Here’s what goes down:

It’s the start of It’s Gotta Be You, and Liam is singing about messing on someone’s innocence. As he does, his hand slips down to his Paynis (as per) and Luigi lets a giggle out, as he like any normal human finds the crotch grabbing hilarious.

“No, sorry can we stop this?” says Liam into his microphone as the band stop playing their instruments. “I can’t carry on like this”, he continues, pulling out his In Ear Monitor and bowling over to The Sassy One.

Unaware of what exactly is going on, Louis continues looking at Zayn and doing an impression of the paynis touching as Liam grabs him behind and from the braces and pulls him to the floor.

“I’ve had enough of this Tomlinson, ENOUGH.”

“Please, Liam,” says Luigi from the floor, feeling his hair to make sure it’s not too out of place.

“It was just banter mate, just having a laugh, you know what I’m like.”

“YES LOUIS, I know exactly what you’re like. You do this all the time. I just wanna be myself, touch my paynis and sing. It’s who I am, it’s what I love.”

As Liam sees nothing but a cloud of red mist, the stage lights go out.

“This wouldn’t have happened if DJ Malik was here,” says Zayn.

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THING 4: Zayn Malik sings a Nirvana medley to an Abba backing track.

After having DJ Malik (RIP) cut from the last tour DVD, Zayn wants to make sure he does something memorable enough not to end up on the cutting room floor.

The solution: a tribute to grunge icons Nirvana, and disco quartet extraordinaire Abba. “I feel that I’m a lot like Kurt Cobain,” Zayn tells the crowd. “You know, like my attitude and stuff. Also, I dress a lot like the blonde bird from Abba, so yeah...”

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THING 5: Louis Tomlinson decides to sack the rest of the group and do a solo show.

After deciding that he really doesn’t get much of a look in when it comes to singing bits on his own, Louis has a tantrum and tells the rest of the boys they’re sacked and it’s Louis Direction from now on.

Never wanting to further enrage an angry Sasquatch the boys allow him to go ahead and perform a solo gig. The crowd has a lovely time. Louis sings two songs, gets distracted and spends the rest of the two hours telling them about the time he did something really cool, he can’t quite remember what, but it was really cool.

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THING 6: Harry Styles shaves his head onstage.

It’s not even for charity - he just gets a bit hot and decides enough is enough. The crowd go a bit mental and angry at first, but then realise that the curls carry Hazza’s DNA and there’s an outside chance that they could use it to impregnate themselves.

We don’t really want to go on from there, it all gets a bit weird.

So who’s going to make this happen then? Someone get a campaign going yeah?

Thanks, bye, love you forever.