We think we may have an actual stress related stomach ulcer after watching tonight’s X Factor – it was the most dramatic thing EVER.

Just before the show cut to adverts Dermot sent us into a panic when he announced that Christopher Maloney, Union J or District3 would be in the bottom two.

WHAT? we cried. SURELY CHRISTOPHER HAS TO BE IN THE BOTTOM TWO AND OUR FITTIES WILL SAIL SAFELY THROUGH TO NEXT WEEK. (We really did shout it loads, in fact our throats are a little sore now.)

Luck was not on our side though and the teen journalism nightmare lived out in front of our eyes – Union J and District3 were in the bottom two.

D3 were up first and gave an awesome rendition of Bruno Mars’ Just The Way You Are. Micky Parsons looked like he was about to cry, Dan Ferrari-Lane looked like sex, and our housemate started yelling at the TV that she wanted to touch Greg West. It was everything we wanted from a sing off.

Union J were up next and matched their competition in strength with their performance of Adele’s Set Fire To The Rain. They looked equally distressed and something inside us began to hurt. It may have been our hearts.

After both acts had finished Dermot went straight to Louis Walsh who refused to send home either of his groups. Fair enough.

Mardi bum Gary Barlow started going on about how District3 gave a weak performance and said more things that made us throw food at the TV, so saved Union J. Nicole Scherzinger said that she thought that Union J were more ready to be a band and with that District3 were sent home.

DISTRICT3

AND THEN WE CRIED.

So District3 are gone, Union J aren’t as safe as we thought they were, and Christopher Maloney will get to do his shakey hand cabaret singing for another week. AGH, GRRR AND OOOOWWWW.

We’re going to end with a poem.

District3 we’re sad you’ve gone,

To us you really were The One.

Dear Greg West you may have never shown your bare chest,

But you really were simply the best.

Micky oh Micky you are so cute,

And on the inside you’re also a beaut.

Dan Ferrari-Lane the man with the big name,

Without your HOTNESS The X Factor will never been the same.

We’ll miss you’re faces and voices so much clearly,

But most of all we’ll miss throwing stones at your willies.

WE LOVE YOU.

(Poetry was never a strong point.)

How are you feeling after all of this?

IMAGES: ITV AND WENN