The theme was ABBA and Motown on tonight’s X Factor, and you know what; there wasn’t one bad performance. The judges gave us the usual Christopher Maloney and Rylan Clark themed comments; for a lot of it Louis Walsh seemed confused and just shouted out peoples’ names and told them they were on The X Factor, and Nicole Scherzinger managed to out-weird herself once more. Awesome.

So come on then, who was the best?

JAMES ARTHUR. JAMES BLOODY ARTHUR WAS THE BEST.

His first performance was ABBA’s SOS which he performed with his acoustic guitar and delivered everything we’ve come to expect from a James Arthur performance – angst, soul and hella sexy.

It was his second song that really had us throwing our knickers, bras, pizza and housemates at the TV though, a rendition of Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On. He wore a suit, Scapers. A suit.

James Arthur

The vocal was husky, gravelly and all things James, and he once again showed how he can turn even the most cheesy and well known songs into something that feels like we’re hearing it for the first time. Nicole said a lot of babies will be made to his music, but we’d rather just track him down and get him to do it himself. That was a gross sentence. Apologies.

Was there a fail whale in the room?

Ugh, we’re getting bored of saying Christopher Maloney, and here’s why: He’s not a bad person, he’s getting up there every week and doing what he’s told, it’s not his fault he’s still in the show, yet he’s getting horribly bullied for it. He wasn’t as good as the other acts, obviously, but his rendition of Dancing on the Ceiling actually had us on our feet doing some (very dodgy) dancing and hand clapping, so what more could we want? Except for maybe Ella Henderson to still be in, but hey...

Will the first act fall victim to the curse – can you even remember the first act?

Tonight it was Rylan, he opened the show with Mama Mia, and we actually thought he sounded better than usual. We’d love him to stay another week (over Chris) but apparently he’s bookies’ favourite to go... although Ella was the fave to win, so who knows what the hell that means anymore.

Boyband watch:

Aw Union J were incredible tonight. Their version of ABBA’s The Winner Takes it All was the stronger song, and Jaymi Hensley and Josh Cuthbert’s vocals just get better every week. The two boys got tonnes of praise from the judges, but we couldn’t help but feel like George Shelley and JJ Hamblett were getting a bit left out. Let them sing more too, yeah?

Their Motown song was The Jackson Five classic, I’ll Be There, and like Gary we would’ve liked them to have gone more out for their Motown song, but eh, you can’t have it all.

And now for a paragraph dedicated to Nicole.

At the start of the show Scherzy said she wanted to be Rylan’s gel and we’re worried she may have gone backstage and sniffed some as she was insane for the rest of the evening. She was doing a lot of getting out of her seat, this included some thrusting in Gary’s face during James’ performance (can’t blame her for that one), sexy dancing Dermot, and introducing James when she was supposed to say Rylan.

She brought milk, cornflakes, lamb chops, well jel and reem dream into the mix, and quite frankly just made us love her more.

Nicole you are our Spirit Animal.

Winner?

JAMES ARTHUR... right?