Tonight was The X Factor semi-finals and we made it through the whole show without making an erection joke. The acts performed two songs each – one dedicated to someone they love (hello tears), and of their own choosing (hello brilliance).

The judges were playing quite nicely tonight, a few mini claws were out, but we were more distracted by Louis Walsh in a green onesie and Tulisa’s massive cleavage.

So come on then, who was the best?

James Arthur, Jaaaammmesss Arrrthhhuuur, Jimmy A... you get the drift. He was so frickin’ awesome he had us shouting at the telly “JUST HURRY UP AND MAKE AN ALBUM.”

He first sang U2’s One and dedicated it to his sisters and brother, it was a strong performance, but nothing could beat song number two, his version of Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s The Power of Love. He’s an act that definitely has us excited about having him on our iPods in the future.

Jahmene Douglas also gave two very powerful renditions, but it was his first song, I Look to You, which he dedicated to his brother who passed away, that had us in tears. We felt like Nicole Scherzinger.

Was there a fail whale in the room?

Oh we don’t want to go for the easy target, but Christopher Maloney is still doing his cruise ship lark, and you know, we’re not on a cruise ship. Louis pointed out that he’d be good in a West End musical and we agree, just not in The X Factor final please. We do love his nan though. LOADS.

Who was the first act fall victim to the curse, can you even remember who it was?

Yes, it was Christopher, and seeing as he’s immune to all voting off evil, we assume he’ll be fine.

Boyband watch:

Union J were brilliant again, and seem like they’re pretty much good to go and be massive. The judges had one criticism – they’d like to see them not play it so safe, and we have to agree. We know the boys are great singers, they don’t have to prove that, but we’d LOVE to see them perform something with a bit more energy almost as much as we’d LOVE to lick George Shelley’s face.

And now for a paragraph dedicated to Nicole.

Tonight Scherzy flipped between her two favourite states: Tears and arousal, we loved it. She got well emotional when Jahmene performed his first song, she even thought she saw The Baby Jesus and one point (we think it was Dermot); and after James at performed she looked like she was loving it so much her nostrils flared and a semi aggressive way. Perfect.

Come on then, who’s gonna win?

Jiminy Arrrthurr...right? RIGHT?