Scapers, we’ve pointed this out before – Liam Payne cannot keep his hands off his willy. There was a time when if he wasn’t sawing wood, driving his Volvo and doing other Dad-like things, his hands were constantly on it. It’s almost as if he was worried someone was going to steal it.

Liam sweetheart, penises can’t be stolen.

Here's a vintage pic from the Sugarscape archives:

Liam Payne's Paynis

We were beginning to think that el Payno had grown out of his Paynis touching habit, after all we had seen One Direction make a number of public appearances and he hadn’t fiddled with himself at all.

Then the other day we saw something that left us shocked, confused and mildly fascinated: Liam Payne touched his willy while shaking hands with the Queen.

OH GOD LIAM, CONTROL YOURSELF BOY.

Being the investigative journalists that we are, this inspired us to investigate the Paynis touching further and led us to discover that this month has been particularly bad for Liam’s wondering hand. We’ve collated a number of pieces of evidence for you to look through.

Click next to see the grabbing in all its glory.

 

It started up again on The Today Show. What happened that day Scapers, was an attempt made to steal the Paynis? Does this explain the police presence in the background?

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The touching continued to their Children in Need performance. Look how he boldly, almost defiantly looks into the camera mid-touch.

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A bird's eye view of a Paynis grope.

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Now this looks like he's going in for a scratch. Is the Paynis kicking up a fuss?

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Here Liam is at the Bambi Awards, trying out a crotch grab in front of a liberal German audience.

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Now that is definite cuppage.

So Scapers, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Why is Liam constantly touching his Paynis? Why is it always his left hand, and OH GOD is the Queen going to behead him for it?