Get ready for some slapped arses, a smacked Harry Styles and a Rihanna / Nicki Minaj based row...
Before the British public ruined our lives by making MK1 get the boot from The X Factor, we got to grab them for a quick Stupid Interview. However due to the fact that both Union J and District3 were running about and causing general disturbance to the peace, we had to do it in the toilet. Doesn’t matter though, it was a DEAD POSH loo.
Here’s how it all went...
Give us your best insult:
SIM: Your face looks like a slapped arse.
CHARLIE: No, your face looks like a slapped arse. See, you’ve just got to say it over and over to get the message across.
Ah we see, the key lies with emphasis.
If you could spread a rumour about yourself what would it be?
SIM: UMMMM.... super soft skin all over.
CHARLIE: Oh that’s real good, you know. Yeah that is good. And a bit sexy.
Have you ever been caught in an intimate act?
CHARLIE: No, I’m always really clever; I always get out of them.
SIM: I tried to do the dirty with my girlfriend in the cinema and we nearly got caught. The dirty meaning myself and my girlfriend...
SIM: It was... Fulham Broadway!
If you had to eat a celebrity which one would it be?
CHARLIE: Rihanna, she looks like she’d taste good.
SIM: Hmm, who looks edible?
CHARLIE: You know, Tinie Tempah looks like he’d taste really good, like he’d actually taste like chocolate.
SIM: Hahaha... I think Beyoncé, she looks like she’d taste like caramel.
Would you rather lick a tramp’s nostril or armpit?
SIM: A tramp’s nostril if it’s been raining.
CHARLIE: Ah man, you mean outside or inside?
We think inside.
CHARLIE: Ah man, don’t ask me questions! It’s gotta be nostril, ‘cause armpit is the worst.
(For some reason Lauren then decided to show them that she has “the shortest tongue in the world”, and did an impression of what she would look like if she had to lick the tramp. MK1 responded politely, but Lauren sincerely wishes she didn’t do it.)
What are your thoughts on marmite?
SIM: I like Twiglets though.
CHALRIE: (Amazed) I LOVE Twiglets... Are they made of marmite?
We don’t know, are they made of marmite or do they just taste of marmite?
SIM: Nah, they’re officially marmite.
Who would be better in bed, Rihanna or Nicki Minaj?
A tense silence descends upon the group. After a long pause...
SIM: How THE HELL can it be Rihanna?
CHARLIE: Did you not hear that song S&M, bruv?
SIM: Have you not listened to the lyrics of Starships?
CHARLIE: “Suck my cockiness, lick my persuasion.”
SIM: Uh yeah, but you’re doing the work on her.
See, we’ve always been scared of Nicki Minaj, we worry that she’d do something weird.
CHARLIE: Her ass would beat you.
We worry that we would accidentally pull her wig off or something...
SIM: There’d be a lot to play with. A lot to play with.
What would you do if Harry Styles came onto your sister?
CHARLIE: Smack him in the face.
SIM: I’d report him, she’s 12.
Fair enough, thanks MK1.
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