Plus kissing fishes and eating Cheryl Cole
As you may have noticed, Matt Richardson is a bit hilarious and bearing in mind he just so happens to be performing some stand up at the very awesome Virgin Media V Festival later this month, we decided the only appropriate warm up was to put him to the ultimate test. Yep, it's time for The Stupid Interview.
Ever wondered if he'd rather date a girl whose top or bottom half was fish? What he'd do in a zombie apocalypse? Or maybe how he'd feel about Harry Styles hitting on his little sister?
Then your (slightly bizarre) dreams are about to come true. Check out what Matt had to say when we caught up with him below.
Hello Matt Richardson, how are you on this fine day?
Good thanks! I’ve literally not even showered yet; I might go to the cinema in a bit by myself too.
You devil. So to get you ready for Virgin Media V Festival, we have probably the most serious interview of all time. To start with, please insult us.
Can I give you an insult that got yelled at me in the street the other day?
Yeah, do it. Cut us deep.
There’s this show I do called Viral Tap and someone yelled at me: ‘You viral twat,’ which is probably the best insult I’ve had in a while to be honest. I hated him for yelling at me but at the same time I thought that’s actually quite good.
How did you respond?
I just ignored him and then I thought, 'I wish I could’ve thought of something really funny to say.'
Agh, it's always the clever comments that come to you after. So, if you had to eat another celebrity in order to survive, who would you want it to be?
Hmm, like, is this indefinitely that I'll be on the island? I’d have someone that would sustain me for a while.. I’d have Rick Waller, so I could live forever.
At least that way you're covered until the lifeboats come. So what's your strategy for surviving a zombie apocalypse?
Right I actually have a plan for this. My friend Adam lives in a village and he has a staircase that isn’t like built in, it’s a bit of a 1970’s one with nothing underneath it, so I would go to his house, knock down the staircase and live upstairs in his house. That would be my survival method.
You might not last that long without an escape route. What are you going to do for food?
Well, we’d get supplies on the way. We’d need to work that out on the way there, but we’d barricade ourselves so we couldn’t get out, in the rural countryside. Nice and romantic.
It sounds delightful. If you could spread one rumour about yourself what would you want it to be?
That I’ve been out with loads of really attractive lovely girls
Any particular girls you would want that to include?
Probably, like, Claudia Schiffer. Or even better, Helen Mirren.
She is a total babe.
What a woman.
So would you rather lick a tramp on the armpit or the nostril?
The nostril, definitely. At least a nostril’s ventilated, whereas an armpit would be quite damp wouldn’t it.
It's probably quite a crusty, cold-ridden nostril, just so you know.
I accept that, but I still think it’s gonna be better than an armpit.
Have you ever been caught, or caught anyone, in an intimate moment?
Yes to both.
I walked in on a friend of mine having an intimate moment with a girl once at a party. I say intimate, but what they were doing was not intimate, there was no intimacy or love in it. And my mum walked in on me watching porn once
Oh dear god no. What was her reaction?
She went ‘What are you watching? What are you on?' like, website-wise, because she couldn’t see my computer screen, and I said the phrase ‘not porn,’ which literally anything else would’ve been better.
That is sooo awkward. Did you have a conversation with her about it afterwards?
No, we’ve honestly never discussed it since.
The bury it under the carpet approach, nice. Next up we’ve got a hypothetical question for you. So you’re walking along the road when you see an old woman about to walk out in front of a lorry, but right at the same moment you see a baby at the side of the road with a gigantic knife about to cut itself. You can only save one of them - who are you going to save?
The baby. Well, it’s a hard question, but I’d save the baby because they’ve got more of a life ahead of them. But then I’d also be concerned that the baby would grow up to be an absolute knob, so what I’d do is, I’d save the baby but then I’d follow them round making sure they were using their life for good.
That's quite a commitment there.
Yeah I’d take the baby on; its parents are not looking after that kid very well.
Good point, like who lets there baby loose with a bloody great knife. Ok so you’re on a desert island with the woman of your dreams. Would you rather her top or bottom half was a fish?
Bottom half. Definitely.
You’re going for the mermaid option?
Yeah, because then at least you can talk. If you break up you can still be mates and talk, because breaking up with a top half fish woman would be awful. I don’t really like fish either, I don’t eat fish. At least you can kiss
And what is the weirdest place you’ve ever woken up?
Oh good question. I’m quite boring, the most surreal place once was, well not that surreal because he’s my mate, but I woke up on Grimmy’s couch once after a night out. That was quite good, well not good. We’d had a very surreal night out with The Wanted actually. It was when I was on Sweat The Small Stuff and they were on it too - we all went on night out after and we were in a bar and one of their music videos came on and they made us all stop and watch it.
HAHAHA THAT IS INCREDIBLE. And awkward. Props to them for being that into themselves.
I know, they were like ‘watch this bit - this bit’s really good!’ They very much watched it. But yeah, that was a weird place to wake up. Where else have I woken up? Nowhere really. Lots of like, you wake up on your mate's couch after a night out, but never anywhere really weird.
That’s probably one of our favourite answers ever, ever. So what would you do if - hypothetically speaking - you caught Harry Styles trying to crack on to your little sister?
Right, so I met Harry Styles once and he was really nice and I was trying to be, like, really cool and aloof. When everyone was hounding him, I thought 'I’m not gonna be like tha,t I’m gonna be really distant and interesting.' And what happened was, I cracked a joke at one point and he really laughed - and then I pranced around him like a little girl.
Basically it like melted me and I was like ‘OOH Harry, please like me!’ and I turned into a pathetic human being trying to get this dude to like me, so to be honest I would probably let him have my little sister if it meant that we could be mates.
So you'd basically encourage it then? Plus if they got married, you'd essentially be related and he'd have to be your friend.
Well his sister once tweeted that I was fit, so it’s only fair
Ooooh. So last question - you're in a boat with the four X Factor judges. You have to chuck one of them out in order for everyone else to survive, but who are you going to sacrifice?
Well it’s quite easy because the only one I know is Louis, so I’d save Louis and chuck any of the others, just because I’ve got no emotional connection so probably. Actually, I’m scared of Simon so I’ll keep him.
He could be a useful friend as well.
Yeah, he gave me a job - for a bit - so, you know, I’ll let him survive because I appreciate that. I would get rid of Cheryl purely because she’s so little that if I needed to eat anyone she’d be no use. She’s quite lean and muscly so if I’m going to eat anyone she’d have no fat on her.
Nice and practical. THANKS MATT, that was weird, but still lovely.
Check out Virgin Media Louder Lounge and Virgin Media Our House at forthcoming V Festival where Matt Richardson performs 16/17 August. More info here: http://www.vfestival.com