After we'd used our highly skilled journalistic talents to trick Savan Kotecha into telling us about One Direction's new album and Cher Lloyd's American adventures (read: rang him up for a chat), he obliged us with The Stupid Interview – which everyone knows is actually the best interview of all time ever.

Right Savvy, give us your best insult.
Oh dammit I don't know! I can't think.

THINK man. You're meant to be a wordsmythe.
I dunno! I just go 'your mom' and that's usually enough.

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Right. Really felt that one… yawn.

If you had to eat another celebrity to survive, who would it be?
I'd have to pick someone really fat so I'd survive longer. Who's a really big, fat, celeb... I'd pick Meatloaf.

Would he be the best quality eats though?
Well if it's just about surviving longer, there's more of him to go around.

Very practical. Though he might be a bit hairy.
That's true, but I can pluck out the hair, i've got nothing else to do.

What rumour would you like to spread about yourself?
Hmmm... that I'm really Brad Pitt.

With a rubber face on?
Yeah, my face is a mask.

So you have Angelina Jolie and your fit Swedish wife?
Exactly, and neither of them know about each other, it's great. Hahaha!

Have you ever been caught / caught someone in an intimate moment?
Oh I was at a hotel in London and I actually got the wrong room key, and walked in on a couple having sex. It was the Quay West Hotel if anybody wants to go through that experience themselves.

Maybe they told the receptionist to make sure someone comes in, maybe that's all part of it for them.
Ohhh maybe *whispers* this is so exciting!

What happened? Did they beckon you over to them?
I just said 'oh sorry!' and ran out. Something else though, a celebrity did leave something intimate in my bathroom the other day.

Ohhh no did someone leave a huge dump in there?
No... it was something a little more intimate left in my garbage can. I'm not gonna say any more though.

Right, you're walking down the street without a care in the world, when you see an old lady crossing into the path of a lorry, at the SAME TIME, you spy a baby about to pick up a massive blade. Who do you go to?
I'd save the baby because it's a new generation. You have to look at the bigger picture, the lady's probably lived a good life, and the baby could cure cancer in the future.

Oh true, the old woman bloody didn't did she?
No! She had her chance. She had a good life, she didn't cure cancer, she had her shot.

Would you rather lick a tramp in the nostril or the armpit?
Totally the nostril. It feels like it would be cleaner than the armpit. Something about licking hairy sweat... I dunno. I've got a newborn, I can deal with boogers. I'm the official nose picker. .

Who would be better in bed, Rihanan or Nicki Minaj?
None of them are my type... I guess Rihanna.

What's your type? Swedish people?
Yeah, my wife. Can I go with none of the above?

Nobody's EVER SAID THAT but we'll make an exception.
Appreciate it.

Ok finally, if Harry Styles was cracking on to your little sister, how would you feel?
I'd actually encourage it and tell her to go for the money. Have his money not mine! I'd be like "I'm freeee!"

What do you think?